Don't expect too much.
Last weekend I put an exhaust fan in the ceiling
for my wife's grandfather. After a bunch of hours spent in The Hottest Attic In The Universe, he had a ceiling fan that ducted to the
side of his house.
While my brother-in-law and I were fitting the fan in between the joists, we
found something under the insulation. What we found was this:
A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It's not often blog fodder just falls in my lap,
but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I
thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is
apparently made by simply adding upholstery to old barrels:
Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom, because obviously nothing
absorbs errant pee like a nice, thick shag:
There's plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I'm not
going to bore you with that. Instead, I'm going to bore you with something
else. The clothes.
The clothes are fantastic.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in
elementary school:
Just look at that belt. It's like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed
help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long,
for god's sake. And way to pull your pants up to your armpits, grandpa.
Here's how to get your ass kicked in high school:
This kid looks like he's pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a
cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover
cop. Who is pretending to be 15.
Here's how to get your ass kicked on the golf
course:
This "all purpose jumpsuit" is, according to the description, equally
appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I
can't see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in
D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because
the warden forced you to, and as a one-piece, it's a slightly better deterrent
against ass-rapery.
Here's how to get your ass kicked pretty much
anywhere:
I'll bet these guys do ok with the ladies. If you look at that picture quickly,
it looks like Mr. Bob "No-pants" Saget has his hand in the other
guy's pocket. In this case, he doesn't, although you can tell just by looking
at them that it's happened - or if it hasn't happened it will. Oh yes. It will.
As soon as he puts down his color-coordinated coffee cup.
Here's how to get your ass kicked at the beach:
He looks like he's reaching for a gun, but you know it's probably just a bottle
of suntan lotion in a holster.
How to get your ass kicked in a meeting:
If you wear this suit and don't sell used cars for a living, I believe
you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including
termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you'd be forced to wear that orange
jumpsuit; which, frankly, is a step up.
How to get your ass kicked on every day up to and
including St. Patrick's Day
Dear god in heaven, I don't believe that color exists in nature. There is NO
excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you're working as a body
guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.
As does your search for chest hair.
And this -- Seriously. No words.
Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What.
The. Fuck. I'm guessing the snap front gives you
quick access to the chest hair. I think the little tie must be the pull tab. If
you look really closely, it says, "In case of chest hair emergency, pull
tab quickly and back away."
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers
outfits, in 1977 it was apparently considered pretty stylish for couples to
dress alike. These couples look happy, don't they?
I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled "Cowboy Chachi
Loves You Best."
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of
matching bathing suits. That, and an appreciative blonde with a look on her
face that says "I love the way your junk fights against that fabric."
Then, after the lovin', you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth
jumpsuits:
I could go on, but I'm tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I
think it's the colors. I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:
Man, that's sexy.